Sometimes I think I’m just repeating the same thoughts over and over again, that I lack anything insightful or interesting to say. I start countless rants and never finish them; the anger’s gone too soon. A sign of my good temperament? Perhaps, though it does leave me wanting.
A lot of things have been on my mind lately. Politics, as always, has been lulzy and awesome. The state election, however, was almost a disappointment. But the fallout has been interesting to watch, before NSW Labor decided to one-up us.
But that’s a rant for another day. If I finish it, of course.
I keep feeling like a broken record when I keep returning to gender as a topic. As if I can’t find anything else to write about. No, it’s not that. I’ve been talking to my girl. Yes, that’s all I’ll refer to her as for now. We spent some time not being in communication, but she’s now in a position where she can talk to me at least twice a day, and it’s refreshing. Because now I can finally discuss things with her that have happened since we’ve been out of communication.
Because a queer thing has happened to me of late. My femme boi appeared. I thought my boy/girl sides were kinda separate, and my genderless middle ground was the default. But no. There is boy side, and then there is femme boi side. They are… quite different expressions of my personality. Boy is confident and gay/bi (depending on mood), and deals with people in a certain manner. Femme boi is different. Zie wants androgyny, make-up, a flat fucking chest. Zie is more softly spoken but just as confident as Boy. It’s almost as if I do experience a spectrum, and I move along it depending on my mood.
I mean, fuck it. I actually bought eye make up and tried to put it on, to varying levels of success (I clearly need more practice). I have never had any interest in make up, until now. I’m… less scared of it than I thought I would be. I think it’s because I can accept a feminine expression when coming from a male base, whereas coming from a female base, it seems like overkill.
Perhaps this femme boi is my new middle ground.
Perhaps it’s all due to the posters I ordered that now grace my bedroom door: a rainbow flag and a Velvet Goldmine poster. It’s released this inner femme, I think, and I’m okay with that.
But, dammit, I got sidetracked. So I’ve been talking to my girl. She’s a lesbian, which I’m totally okay with. My sexuality ranges from gay to bi to straight depending on my mood (currently: gay — I’m really only interested in female-bodied persons right now). I had broached the topic of me being gender-neutral with her in the past, but things were weird at the time and I don’t think she was ready to accept that then. But now, she’s okay with it. I should like to talk to her some more about it, as I one day plan to have my breasts removed and I don’t want to do that without her understanding why. I can live without the testosterone and genital surgery though. I get perfectly good pleasure from my clit right now. I have no desire to get rid of that.
I’m 25 this year. In about three and a half months’ time. I’m beginning to feel age catching up with me. Maybe it’s because I have few friends my age that I talk to, so I feel older than I would normally. Maybe I should have the most childish party I can think of, just to get it all out of my system.
I’m planning a trip to Melbourne at the end of the year. It’ll be the biggest trip I’ve ever done, and I’ll be doing it alone. I’m, quite frankly, a little scared. I’m going to a city I haven’t been to since I was 5. I think it’s something I need to do though. I need to prove I can look after myself and go out and have adventures like that. I’m going to get my mum to help me plan though. Everything she can assist me with will be appreciated. I’m not going in blind.
But I’ve rambled enough, I think. Dinner is almost ready, if I heard my mother correctly. I shoud get dressed and such. I’ve just had a shower. So I’ll leave you with these thoughts for now.